It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
