I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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