i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
