She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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