Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
