I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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