I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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