I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
