My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
she looked like the before picture.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize