Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize