I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
