Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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