the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize