someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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