i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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