her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
