i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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