I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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