Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
