And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
