I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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