Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
