I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
