U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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