I'm jealous of your bromance
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
