My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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