please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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