names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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