my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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