Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
