saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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