..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
