: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
