I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Define "chronic" masturbator.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
