She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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