this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize