I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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