Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
