We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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