it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
