seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
