my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
