I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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