You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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