Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My vagina is officially offended.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
