the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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