I just pynch a tree in the face
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize