just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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