I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My first STD was from a foam party
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
