he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
