If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
