I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
