just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize