just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
