I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize