I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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