soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
