so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
