i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
