it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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