I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
