Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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