Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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