No stitches, just platelets and will power
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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